Ignorance Is Bliss

Today I had a fascinating conversation with a member of my family. I don't know if I've ever mentioned this but, basically I've been enacting a sort of social experiment with my own family. In order for me to improve upon my knowledge of people and gauge my analytical accuracy, occasionally I have to test certain hypotheses. As an exercise many times I go into a situation with a certain goal and grade myself on not only the achievement of said goal but also the speed and cunning used. For instance, the most amateur level of this is going into a conversation with the goal of "make this person feel this (ie. Happy/sad)."

But anyways, the experiment was (and is currently) to on occasion reveal obvious clues to my sociopathy to key family members. My hypothesis is that anything short of literally screaming "I'm a psychopath" at the top of my lungs (and that still may not work..) and my family will never put two and two together. No matter how blatant the clues. Because of the human tendency to paint people as something they're not, the people who cling to me will never accept that I'm not who they want me to be, unless I shove it in their face and even then, I "must be confused."

It must have something to do with being constantly drowned in unwanted emotions all the time. My emotions are so bland, and on the rare occasion that something is so traumatic it gives me a bit of a twitch, any 'emotion' I may feel is instantly translated into extreme irritation. I am almost positive that I must not feel the exact same things everyone else seems to, because they appear to be completely overdramatic. All the time. I cannot comprehend the 'depth' that feelings apparently are supposed to go. The only emotion I know for a fact I have felt purely and deeply is absolute rage. And I enjoyed it. Like a red haze of pure bliss; addictive. For this reason I avoid such loss of control as much as possible.

“Boredom is rage spread thin”- Paul Tillich

This Busy Busy Bee...

It's been awhile. Frankly, I've been as busy as a rat on a wheel. So much work to do, in so little time makes me a cranky little psychopath indeed. I suppose part of my problem has always been my affinity for expert procrastination. Why do something now when you can do it later? Honestly, if I weren't narcissistic I'd never get anything done.

How is it that my seemingly 'worst' traits are what helps me to succeed? I am arrogant, self serving and pessimistic with an ego that could fill the hole in the Ozone. If I weren't so full of myself I could never get up the energy to accomplish anything. It's true. I must maintain a constant level of superiority over others if I am to sleep peacefully at night. Therefore, that means I must be successful. How do you become successful? You do all the work you're asked to do, and you do it better than everyone else. That is my only motivation for breathing.

People like me wrestle our way through the school system, get amazing grades, go to the best available colleges, take all the right classes and apply for all the right jobs. We sell our souls to become business owners, supervisors, CEOs, and why? Because we have to. Normal life just isn't good enough for some of us. The things that make regular people happy is mere dust in the wind to me. But regulars don't seem to understand. You may be willing to do anything for your family, but I'll do anything to get to the top. Same thing really, you just think your reasoning is superior due to some cliched sentimentality.

Perhaps I'll post more later, for now I unfortunately have things to do.

"Success usually comes to those who are too busy to look for it."- Henry David

Quote of the day

"Bad things happen when you don't procrastinate"

Quote of the Day; Murder

“Murderers, in general, are people who are consistent, people who are obsessed with one idea and nothing else"- Ugo Betti

Late Night Rant

1:20 AM, a perfect time for a little bit of late night (early morning?) bitching. For one, I have no clue how the hell you turn off a digital watch alarm clock. They seem to HAVE to be set at some time that they go off at every single fucking day. And gods help you if you lose it, that damn beepbeep beepbeep beepbeep will follow you into the fiery depths of hell but apparently, only if you're sleeping. How delightful.

Add on top of that the ridiculous amount of work I have to do coupled with being chatted up by the same asshole you want drawn and fucking courtered, and you have the makings of one massive killing spree. Speaking of mass murders; recently I've been perusing a comic book by the name of 'Johny The Homicidal Maniac', or JTHM for short. Basically the premise of the story, is about a psychotic emo who slaughters all the people who pick on him, in order to use their blood to paint one of the walls of his house he believes leads to the spirit world. If the coat of paint dries, the evil spirits will come attack him. Brilliant.

I mean, sure he's a bit too emotional for my tastes, but some of the demented tortures he inflicts on his 'tormentors' are hilarious. Not quite as warped as my own imagination but, I'm positive a book THAT demented would be illegal in several developed countries. The prudes. The drawings in the book almost reminded me of a notebook I used to keep with me in grade/middle school. The drawings were in a similar stick-style and basically it was my Death Book. Anyone who pissed me off I'd devote a space or a page or pages (depending on how much I hated them) on thinking up and drawing out elaborate tortures/murder scenarios. From falling out of a plane onto a pit of spikes to being pulled apart by Rhinos then eaten by suddenly cannibalistic Giraffes, I drew it all. Such good times.

Temporary Hiatus

I am going to be very busy for the next few weeks. Play time is over, or perhaps, it is just about to truly begin. Either way, I'll be posting a bit less frequently until I have my ducks in a row. But do not fret, I'll be back verbally harassing the human race on a regular basis in no time at all.

Wish me luck,

ZKM

Quote of the day

Sticking with the theme of yesterday's post, here's the quote of the day:

"Nothing is funnier than unhappiness, I grant you that. Yes, yes, it's the most comical thing in the world. " S. Beckett

Divorce Is In the Air

But isn't it always? A common figure that's thrown around these days is that 50 percent of marriages eventually end in divorce. Mathematically that makes sense, since the only two viable ends to marriage are divorce and death. So two options... into a hundred... EUREKA! You get 50%! What a brilliant deduction. But I suppose no one really believes in the accuracy of theoretical probability.

Honestly, if I were an Empath, what I would find more disturbing is what percentage of those remaining 50 percent are absolutely miserable until they finally kick the bucket. How many people are stuck due to financial problems or merciless religious beliefs forcing them to stay with the asshole/bitch they didn't realize they were marrying?

The 'institution' of marriage has always been in the shitter. Christians, etc, have always been worried some minority would ruin their 'sacred' practice, when in reality, let's face it, marriage has never been about 'love' or 'devotion. No no no. It's been about power, wealth, and getting the fucking kids out of the house. Sure, occasionally someone gets lucky and dies a few years after taking the plunge, and therefore, had a happy marriage, but obviously at LEAST 50 percent of marriages are 'swimmin' with the fishes' so to speak. Fifty-percent is the base number. How fucking depressing is that Empaths?

And I'M the one with the disorder? I think not. Idiotic, moron, sludge-for-brains Empaths. With your fucking "love conquers all" quotes and philosophies. When will you ever learn? Emotions will kill you. And it's rarely ever quick and painless either.

I see it all the time. Everyday, every second of every minute of every hour someone, somewhere, is weakly trying to pull the rusty dagger out of their heart, or their back, or some other place only a 'loved one' could reach. I absolutely fucking love it. "Love," is like a vile, festering disease, where the only cure is a few cold showers early on before the illness spreads.

Sounds simple, doesn't it? Apparently not.

"If love is a battlefield, I'm all for world piece"

Quote of the Day

"Of all the inhabitants of the inferno, none but Lucifer knows that hell is hell, and the secret function of purgatory is to make of heaven an effective reality."-Arnold Bennett

"Hanging Out" with a Dose of Vengeance

Today I was rudely interrupted from my late afternoon slumber by a friend who wanted to, 'hang out." From that moment my day was, in affect, ruined. And as she asked me where I wanted to go, I couldn't think of anything more fun than ruining someone else's day the same way. So, I suggested we go to to the one person's house I knew hated 'hanging out' as much as me. And of course, calling ahead was completely out of the question, he needed to answer the door as pantless as I had. Preferably after having JUST been asleep.

It was worth it. His door was open so we literally got to wake him up right out of bed. Instantly, my mood lifted. Anyways, long story short, on my way home I saw the oddest thing. There was an old hippie sitting in the middle of his yard, in nothing but his tighty-not-so-whities, under a sprinkler system, cracking walnuts and tossing them into a bowl 5 feet away. And people say life is meaningless! Pshaw! I could only dream to be so content in my idiocy that cracking nuts in my skivvies could bring me so much joy.

Aren't there laws against public indecency? I can honestly say I've never wished for a paintball gun more than I did at that moment in time. It truly cements my argument that some people deserve to die sadistically cruel deaths. Not that I care anything for justice, I just want to convince others to take a step toward the' Dark Side'. I believe it is an easier task than convincing anyone else to step towards the light.

Quote(s) of the Day- from the mouth of a Psychopath

"I was literally singing to myself on my way home, after the killing. The tension, the desire to kill a woman had built up in such explosive proportions that when I finally pulled the trigger, all the pressures, all the tensions, all the hatred, had just vanished, dissipated, but only for a short time."

"I wasn't going to rob her, or touch her. I was just going to kill her."

- David Berkowitz

Quote(s) of the Day

“Our culture has made us all the same. No one is truly white or black or rich, anymore. We all want the same. Individually, we are nothing.”

“You are not a beautiful and unique snowflake. You are the same decaying organic matter as everyone else, and we are all part of the same compost pile.”

Chuck Palahniuk

Doe a Deer, a Female Deer..

Recently I've begun to re-examine my relationship with music. I have very eclectic tastes-in many things, including auditory delights. What's 'in' or 'cool' has very little bearing on what I choose to fancy at any particular time. Of course, I mean honestly. Many people believe I like different things. But inwardly I am varied. It's almost ironic that one thing I always am drawn to in music is emotion- passion. Perhaps because I want to live vicariously through the artists? I don't know.

I have an affinity for dark, sarcastic, upbeat music. Clever lyrics and biting sound catch my interest. Catchy songs are interesting too- I have no deep-seeded need to be 'original'. The problem with music is people are so judgmental of other people's preferences. Figuring out a person's musical tastes can be pivotal in establishing a 'connection' with the subject.

It's almost easier for me to declare some of the genres I downright have no particular liking for right off the bat, versus trying to list everything I do like. Country music- perhaps stemming from my dislike of rednecks. Blues- probably more out of ignorance than anything else. Screamo/Heavy metal- because it's just noise. Unfortunately Death metal has lyrics I can appreciate, but the sound is grating and wasteful of such morbid talent.

People seem to believe that things like the music you listen to define 'who you are'. I suppose I can almost prove that with my choices. They're varied and haphazard. No definite preference for one thing over another. No pattern. No 'identity'. Just blends in to anyone else's likes or dislikes. Sounds like me-almost.

I was just viewing an episode of one of my favorite shows, House MD, when I noticed one of the patients was a Blogger. This woman however, unlike me, posted her every waking moment. She shared all the details of her life with a ravenous public. It was almost like a therapy to her. I'm quite different. I don't write about the exact day to day workings of my dull and dreadfully average life. No, I write to empty my mind of excess filth.

The thing about me is I'm a thinker. I literally live inside my head. I analyze everything and everyone. What they say what they wear and most importantly- what they don't say. I analyze what I say and its affect on a person or situation. It's important to me to have a solid grasp on my surroundings. One thing constantly mentioned in my blog is my use of conscious manipulation in social situations. Honestly I think people perceive that to be worse than it is.

Normal people manipulate each other all the time subconsciously. Using all sorts of excess emotion and the expert ability to subtly express them Empaths manipulate each other constantly. The only difference between me and everyone else is I have to use different a different strategy. Just 'winging it' doesn't fly when you don't have the natural ability. That's not to say I don't use my powers for 'evil'.. quite the contrary.

Anyway, back to the point. Since I'm constantly thinking all the time it can get a bit crowded in my head on occasion. This can either lead to extreme violence or focus in some particular activity. What better activity to participate in than a public catalogue of many of my inane inner ramblings? The sometimes annoying reality of being a Sociopath is the realization that you will rarely if ever meet a person who can comprehend if not accept, the honest reality of what you are, for the lack of a better word.

I have never shared the foolish sentiment of 'individuality' that the masses seem to have adopted as the norm. I'm not talking about wishing I could cry on someone's shoulder and whine about my many woes. No, sometimes it's just annoying having to pretend all the fucking time. That's why my dominate group of friends, or people I choose to voluntarily associate myself with for no specific gain- are all selfish, self-centered assholes. They don't give a care about me, and I don't have to pretend to care about them. It's... refreshing. A nice change from the real world- where people don't really care, but it's a necessity to pretend to.

Everyone's just playing their role in this shitty B movie we call life. All the actors are cheesy and melodramatic. But hey, at least it's entertaining, right? What part do I play you say? Why, the director of course.

Drugs.. again?

I am very much intoxicated at this moment. Which brought me to the topic of drugs and my 'condition'. Simply put, they're fun. I don't know if they are enjoyable to me in the same way they are enjoyable to a regular person, and I don't really care. Well I care in a curious way. I'm a very curious person. Curiosity didn't kill the cat, I did. Hopefully if I'm real quiet, no one will kill me back.

People are really attached to their pets these days. I can almost see why. I mean, they're so much less annoying than humans, and if they push it, they're much easier to kill. My favorite domesticated animal, as I've said before, is the cat.

The only problem with drugs is they impair you. For instance, my vision is blurred, and is progressively getting worse. As you can well imagine, that's making it a bit tricky to write this post. Beyond that being I probably sound like a moron. My friends and I are under the belief that every person has their own specific Drug of Choice (DOC). I mean there's so many out there, there's something for everyone. You could do all the blow in the world, but if it's not your DOC you could be fine. But when you find that one that makes everything perfect, you're screwed.

As of right now I'm exploring the wonderful world of Opiates. Part of the reason I believe I enjoy recreational use is because it seems to almost.. enhance my sociopathy. Don't ask me exactly how. It just feels more, genuine. Depending on what I'm on it enhances different aspects of my 'personality'. More on this later, when I can see.

Roadkill

Some idiot kid jumped out in front of my car today as I was going in excess of 60 mph. I briefly considered mowing him down, but then realized that could increase my insurance premiums. Damn. The annoying thing about it is if I had hit that kid, many people would consider that a tragedy. I consider it natural selection. Why do people see social Darwinism as such a bad thing?

It seems another famous Psychopath seemed to run with the idea of natural selection... Guess who;

"Nature is cruel; therefore we are also entitled to be cruel. When I send the flower of German youth into the steel hail of the war without feeling the slightest regret over the precious German blood that is being spilled, should I also not have the right to eliminate millions of an inferior race that multiply like vermin?"