Happy Now?

Everyone makes mistakes.

What an irritating statement. I do on occasion make errors in judgment. They are not usually huge errors that effect my livelihood, but rather, my mental state. I hate wasting time. I especially hate people, who waste MY time. It's very precious to me. There are only so many hours in a day, and most of those are wasted on undesirable or at least, un-entertaining endeavors.

When I become obsessed with something I often sink inordinate amounts of time into it. This could be a specific pursuit, the study of a specific subject, or it can be in a person, a relationship. The most irritating thing to me is having that time and effort spit back into my face. Then I must reevaluate what the hell it is I've been doing.

Sometimes my obsessions prove fruitful and follow me year to year, and other times I am slapped in the face with my apparent mistake. Mistake. Mistake. Mistake. What a lovely word, it really bites you in the ass when you don't want it to. Do I have regrets? Not in the form of "I wish I could change that." But rather in the form of "No more. No longer."

Sometimes it's prudent to tap yourself on the shoulder when you realize the ditch you've been digging, isn't going to get you to China. I am always flabbergasted at how unappreciative people are of me. Society always seems to paint psychopaths one-dimensionally as the source for all the world's strife. Flip the paper over and see the reality; we do just as much good as harm. Maybe not intentionally, but does motive ever really matter?

When you idiots lounge in the aura of my charisma; languish in the baths of my flattery; rejoice from behind the walls of the self esteem *I* built you, how dare you cast stones? Everyone despises Satan. They think he's so deplorable because he 'fools' poor mortals into paying for the favor he grants them. NOTHING IS FREE. I created a world fit for your desires to please you, do you think you get to leave me empty-handed? No, you don't. I am enraged when Empaths take the gifts I give them for granted. I can just as easily snatch them away.

But why should I have to? Fair is fair, isn't it? How is it, I am the Devil, but you are the ones who try to screw me? I am so altruistically following the so-called rules of your fucking morality, which it seems you do not even follow yourselves. So I guess my point is; Danger! Danger! Danger! Rethink how you want this to end--IF you want this to end. If you don't I'd consider this a time for a reevaluation of strategy. It's only fair.
~~~~~~~~

“There are no mistakes. The events we bring upon ourselves, no matter how unpleasant, are necessary in order to learn what we need to learn; whatever steps we take, they're necessary to reach the places we've chosen to go.”

--Richard Bach

Psychopathic Love II

I really don't get the obsession with love. I have been called cold and heartless toward the end of relationships and I always ask the same question, "what gives you that impression?" If I smile at you, say nice things, compliment your appearance even if it's lacking, buy you gifts and bestow upon you affection, are you not being loved? I've learned over the years, the answer to my question is perverse, a complete 180 from what they tell you in health class or in movies, books or any form of media. The reason they felt unloved is because it was too easy.

Love is supposed to be painful and irrational. My apathy and lack of abuse made them feel uncared for. Had I smacked them around a bit, screamed at them in jealous rage, demanded they stop seeing their friends and families and perhaps forced myself sexually on them a few times, I would've been their knight in shining armor. But because I did none of those things, they saw me as heartless.

Now, I'm positive many psychopaths do all kinds of violent things to their lovers and that's why they're so loved. But at that point in my life relationships were more for an appearance of normalcy than anything else. I don't feel that obsession many p/s types feel towards their lovers. I could generally care less about them, and only those with the utmost docility and desire to please me could inspire anything more than a quiet derision from me. Unfortunately, in this day and age (and any other that I can think of as well) an appearance of asexuality is disturbing and ridicule inspiring.

The problem with romantic relationships is the other person wants to be around you all the time. I can't imagine even the most skilled manipulator can pretend to be human 24/7. I surely can't. I always get the feeling that all they really want, what they truly crave, is for me to snap and kill them, to individually wrap and send all their body parts to various family members so everyone can see how truly loved they are. Every relationship I've been the kind, charming suitor in, has blown up in my face. Every relationship I've been the semi-violent, possessive and controlling manipulator in, has been a ridiculous success. My question is, why the hell isn't this what's depicted on television and taught by mothers and fathers and written in songs played on the radio?

Why are ridiculous exploitive websites like LoveFraud so popular, when so many people literally beg to be abused? I'm not saying I'm not a sadist, that'd be a bold faced lie. But that pleasure doesn't come from abusing lovers, it comes from preying on strangers. I wouldn't abuse my partners if that didn't make them feel loved, if that wasn't really, deep down what they wanted. So I suppose my point is, why is the definition of love so skewed from reality? Are people living in a fantasy world? Do they even know their actions contradict their fantasies?

And as a sidenote, I realize that, unfortunately, not everyone is me. If your experience differs, simply share your story. I would never dream of involuntarily painting anyone into a box.

Love and Psychopaths

Love is a supposedly unique emotion. It is very played up in modern society. Quotes like "love conquers all" perpetuate this unrealistic fantasy people have regarding the emotion. A common question is, "do psychopaths love?" I have heard a few claim love for them is possible, and I'm sure they're right in their own way, but for me the conventional definition of love is far out of my capabilities. Love is a "profoundly tender, passionate affection for another person." 


Now, that's not to say I don't have my own version of affection. There is a definite delineation from those I dislike and those I like. The difference, is my affection is more logical. Everyone around me is ranked based on usefulness, threat level and various other factors. As soon as someone's threat level usurps their usefulness level I dispose of them without fail. It is irrational to continually attach yourself to someone who continues to prove themselves distasteful, yet, in the name of love I see that done every day.  


Love is not something I experience, but it is a tool I use on occasion to get something I want. I won't lie and pretend to be an absolute block of ice, however. I do like people/things that do what I want them to do. I also have a particular fondness for cats. But what separates my fondness from Normal's love, is the simple fact that my fondness does not make me see anything through rose colored glasses. My affection is conditional, it is logical and it is not a warm and fuzzy feeling. It's more like an acceptance that said thing, is a benefit and should for the time being, remain taken care of. Even this though, is a rare occurrence. 

Divorce Is In the Air

But isn't it always? A common figure that's thrown around these days is that 50 percent of marriages eventually end in divorce. Mathematically that makes sense, since the only two viable ends to marriage are divorce and death. So two options... into a hundred... EUREKA! You get 50%! What a brilliant deduction. But I suppose no one really believes in the accuracy of theoretical probability.

Honestly, if I were an Empath, what I would find more disturbing is what percentage of those remaining 50 percent are absolutely miserable until they finally kick the bucket. How many people are stuck due to financial problems or merciless religious beliefs forcing them to stay with the asshole/bitch they didn't realize they were marrying?

The 'institution' of marriage has always been in the shitter. Christians, etc, have always been worried some minority would ruin their 'sacred' practice, when in reality, let's face it, marriage has never been about 'love' or 'devotion. No no no. It's been about power, wealth, and getting the fucking kids out of the house. Sure, occasionally someone gets lucky and dies a few years after taking the plunge, and therefore, had a happy marriage, but obviously at LEAST 50 percent of marriages are 'swimmin' with the fishes' so to speak. Fifty-percent is the base number. How fucking depressing is that Empaths?

And I'M the one with the disorder? I think not. Idiotic, moron, sludge-for-brains Empaths. With your fucking "love conquers all" quotes and philosophies. When will you ever learn? Emotions will kill you. And it's rarely ever quick and painless either.

I see it all the time. Everyday, every second of every minute of every hour someone, somewhere, is weakly trying to pull the rusty dagger out of their heart, or their back, or some other place only a 'loved one' could reach. I absolutely fucking love it. "Love," is like a vile, festering disease, where the only cure is a few cold showers early on before the illness spreads.

Sounds simple, doesn't it? Apparently not.

"If love is a battlefield, I'm all for world piece"