Psychopath.

Okay, so I've been horribly neglectful- selfish even, in my lack of regular posting this past month. For that I oh so humbly apologize. Sometimes life is an overbearing pimp--greedy and brutal. I don't want it to be, believe me. I'd prefer a much simpler, easier life, where I could lounge about and live prosperous on the backs of the unlucky fuckers beneath me. Unfortunately, that was not to be, at least yet.

I've lost all interest in my current situation, to the point of recklessness. Boredom is an unfortunate side effect of apathy. I know it seems all fun and games but really all it does is give me more work. Think of it like breathing. Right now you are breathing and most likely have no conscious thought of doing so. Imagine having to breathe manually. There are benefits- no panic attacks no hyperventilation, an immunity to the hysteria brought on by strangulation, BUT, you are forever burdened with the constant knowledge of your difference from others. You watch, disgustedly-some might say envyingly, at the Normals as they breathe merrily away, carefree in the knowledge that their subconscious will do the work for them. There are two sides to every coin.

Lately some of my compatriots have taken to calling me Psychopath (hence the title). Of course their use is completely inaccurate and supposedly innocent it does raise questions to the paranoid mind. I am a very paranoid person, it comes with the territory. Society seems to frown on the Perpetually Suspicious, but let me tell you, when your whole life, the very fabric of your 'being' is a lie, you have much to be suspicious of. Every prolonged look is a highly trained PI, every snapped twig a psychiatrist with Straight Jacket in tow. You can never be too careful-that's one cliche I can merrily abide.

"Paranoia is just another word for longevity"- Laurell K. Hamilton

C2H3O2(1-)= Acetate--Procrastination Is Key

Chemistry, much like life, is a bitch. I'm currently bogged down with more work than I can even recall but strangely, I don't really mind as much as I would have imagined. Don't get me wrong, my irritation levels have reached a fever pitch, yet still the opportunity to play with new toys somewhat evens up the scales.

Stress to me is an almost refreshing feeling. Sure too much 'responsibility' can be annoying, but I thrive on urgency. Slow and steady just isn't my way. I suppose that's a large part of the reason why I am such a devoted procrastinator. I work better close to the deadline and seem to pride myself on surpassing those who started much earlier.

I don't know, I guess the biggest issue with all this extra work is my exponentially declining Me Time. Very important for a barely controlled psychopath. I'm very fond of my personal space, and even more so of those seemingly now extinct opportunities to be alone. Alone and free of menial tasks such as general human interaction or feigning Give A Damn.

Between trying to convince my family I actually love them and convincing my friends I'm three dimensional, I have once again become a busy busy bee. Honestly, at this point I'm not convinced the grass isn't just dead on both sides. No matter; that's what the neighbor's hose is for.

That reminds me of a surprising insight one of my friends had involving me the other day. Which is surprisingly rare, considering. A group of us were engaged in a completely inappropriate conversation about someone or other when all the sudden we were confronted by our supervisor as to what we were discussing. Immediately I responded with a smooth and completely appropriate alternative to the truth- practically without thinking.

The lie came so naturally that I didn't have time to consider how others may view my obvious faux paus. Anyway, long story short, later on after the incident one of my friends commented at my seemingly silver-tongue. She, apparently 'didn't know I could lie so well'. Unfortunately for me, that was an epiphany I'd have rather avoided. The lesson here kids, is everyone makes mistakes. It would be foolish of me to think I was an exception.

“I never make stupid mistakes. Only very, very clever ones.”-John Peel

Least Politically Correct Quote of The Week

"Molestation victims are just pissed they didn't get full on raped"-Anonymous

Ouch.

Bipolar Yay or Nay?

I've been considering more and more lately that I may actually be bipolar. I mean sure, I've always known I've had symptoms, but each time I become manic I disregard the possibility as absurd. At the same time I realize that how I perceive the disorder is different from others. I have few emotional swings, it's more like a change in energy. Which in turn, alters how people think I feel.

That probably doesn't make a ton of sense, but it's the only way I can explain it. I've been practically rushing- almost like a speed rush, for the past week. Then this weekend it was like getting knocked right off the log. As if I were mentally attempting to swim through sludge. Not very fun.

Most of the time I am 100% monotonously level headed. But I go through cycles of hyperactivity and then an almost depression. It has nothing to do with being happy or sad- just level of motivation. Very odd. And very unappealing.

I enjoy the monotony of my existence. There is something freeing about not giving a fuck in the same way Empaths do. I don't want to be emotional or caring. I'll leave that dull job to you, the professionals. I am very grateful for the existence of such a disorder as Bipolar however. Considering, it has gotten me out of a lot of jams in the past. Why is it they get so much more leeway than poor, innocent, mentally mangled psychopaths? It's simply unfair.

"There is a particular kind of pain, elation, loneliness, and terror involved in this kind of madness."- Kay Redfield

Quote of the day

"Bad things happen when you don't procrastinate"

Quote of the Day

"Of all the inhabitants of the inferno, none but Lucifer knows that hell is hell, and the secret function of purgatory is to make of heaven an effective reality."-Arnold Bennett

Quote(s) of the Day

“Our culture has made us all the same. No one is truly white or black or rich, anymore. We all want the same. Individually, we are nothing.”

“You are not a beautiful and unique snowflake. You are the same decaying organic matter as everyone else, and we are all part of the same compost pile.”

Chuck Palahniuk

Quote of the Day

'Die, verb: To stop sinning suddenly. '

Elbert Hubbard

And since that was more of a definition than an actual quote, I give you one more, that I can most assuredly relate to.

"I have never killed a man, but I have read many obituaries with great pleasure." - Clarence Darrow

Quote of the Day

"I wouldn't recommend sex, drugs or insanity for everyone, but they've always worked for me."-Hunter Thompson

Manipulation and Non-related relatives

The greatest challenge any manipulator has to face is maintaining self control. That means exerting your will expertly to mould your surroundings to your liking. To control others you must first control yourself. This is what I tell myself when two seconds away from ramming a spork through someone's spinal cord. Everything I do I do for a specific, well thought out reason. I must constantly remind myself of this when pretending to relate to Inferiors. Tomorrow afternoon I'm going to a sort of 'family' picnic. Some married-in 'relatives' whose blood hasn't crossed mine since Jesus made us all out of sand.

I can be anyone you want me to be. It's better than it sounds- having no real identity. Observe, Analyze, Resolve. Those three words are what guides my social interactions. Observe the mark, search for abnormalities in belief, appearance, speech etc. Analyze and create a profile based on observations. Resolve- determine the most ideal social match for the mark and imitate. Based on the goal of my social interaction I may choose different ideal identities to suit my needs. Ie. I want to make someone cry. How would I do that? Observe, Analyze, Resolve. Say I observe a lady with certain key traits that are all I would need to solve my problem. I observe her black slacks are covered in a thin layer of animal fur and there is no ring on her ring finger; she claims after some trivial conversation to have 4 dogs- all from the pound. Analyzing this data I assume she is an animal empathizer as well as an animal lover. To resolve I see that her greatest love must be her animals- she has no one else.

The perfect profile to achieve my goal would be a pathetic animal lover like herself, who recently lost the only creature in the world who 'truly understood her'. First I would create a quick bond by relating a humorous story about my last pet. I would endear her to him and then reveal his passing. I would relate his importance to me and my resulting loneliness at his passing. I would remind her of herself which is apparently a key component to empathy. This connection between her and I would set her mirror neurons aflame and she would be as glossy eyed as a doped fish. This was a recent experience I had waiting in line at the post office. My point is, now that I've forgotten, is control is the key to any successful endeavor. If I had allowed myself to reveal my true disgust and distaste for her pathetic life I would have lost control of the entire situation. Basically, this post was a roundabout way for me to remind myself that there are better alternatives of revenge than just bludgeoning members of my non-related-family. I am also reminding myself that these people are rich and it would be a waste of all my efforts of trying to get into some of those Wills. One down, who knows how many to go?

“The basic tool for the manipulation of reality is the manipulation of words. If you can control the meaning of words, you can control the people who must use the words.”- Phillip Dick

Sociopathic quote of the Day

"I'm not completely emotionless, I'm prone to fits of uncontrollable rage"