To Read or Not to Read

I like to read. I engage in very few activities that could be considered hobbies and reading is one of those few. I suppose I have two reasons for this; one, is because as much as I hate cliches, knowledge is indeed power; and two, in order to create a plausible character you must have the ability to analyze and break down the components of the average human- that is what I do everyday. Why not analyze another's analysis of the human race? It's not like I have anything better to do.

I once read a Sidney Sheldon book about a series of inexplicable things that happened to three women. It was long enough ago that I don't quite recall all the details but basically, by the end of the story you realize there aren't three women- just one. One single woman who has multiple personality disorder. One was a murder, one was a whore, and the other.. just the boring old original.

Everyone has different aspects to their personality. All the aspects of mine I am fully aware of. I have more identities than she could fathom but unlike her, I choose mine both consciously and carefully. I do believe I have one core personality though, but it is completely uninteresting. Uninteresting and totally uninterested. With a longer list of dislikes than likes. But I see no downside to being shallow. It's actually kind of... fun.

Boredom

I'm discussing with someone the difference between the things I 'enjoy' and what normal people enjoy. As a rule, I don't feel a wide range of emotion. Say the normal emotional scale is from -10 to 10, my scale is from -2 to 2. Therefor my, 'hobbies' tend to be more extreme. Boredom is a constant in my life. But it's not as if I seek happiness. I don't really get the point.

Emotions are so annoying to me. Being around emotional people is like being an outsider in a club everyone else is a part of. No one will tell me the secret password. I can talk my way around many emotions but I don't really understand where they come from. For instance, I can't have a heartfelt conversation with someone, I'm not quite good enough yet to fake all the things I need to fake. I can say how "sorry I am for your loss" or whatever, but I can't verbally show I relate to someone, as if that even makes any sense.

My point is, Sociopaths aren't half as good as people think we are. The advantage we have is people assume everyone is like them. If an Empath was analyzing my emotional response with the knowledge that I may be full of shit, I might have a harder time being convincing. Why? Because you can't write a thesis on a topic you didn't study. If you've never heard of spanish you sure as hell couldn't identify, then speak the language.

Who knows. I'm tired and can't even follow my own analogy at the moment, but I don't allow more than 2 days to go by without posting. I have to maintain a regimen. Control is a very important element in my life. What I can control, I do. Everyone has their little idiosyncrasies. Mine just happen to make me the devil.

Drugs

I don't know how Sociopaths in general view recreational drug use but I myself am pro- use. If the Empaths want to numb themselves from the bullshit society has to offer, why stop them? I've always preferred the darker elements of humanity. I get along much better with drug dealers and murderers than I ever did with school teachers and volunteers. They're so much more interesting- and yes I've met people who fit all of those descriptions. It could have something to do with the fact that I grew up with the dredges of society. Other kids I'm sure got told fictitious bedtime stories when they were little- I got to hear strangers tell of the latest ways they last got sent to prison. Fun times, I miss them.

Ever since I was as young as I can even remember I have been a Klepto. Actually, to be honest I peaked in my earlier years. I would steal anything and everything, who knows why. I stole for the rush stealing gave me rather than for any true desire for the things I took. Everything from cash to books to Icecream I stole. I've never had a true grasp of 'right' and 'wrong'. For me, anything I choose to do is 'right' unless I get caught. Those are the rules. The ends justify the means. The few times I did get caught were never in the act. They were because, like I said, I had no inclination to actually use half the things I took, so a few times vast collections of cash(at least for my age) would be found and questioned.

One time a teacher found 300 dollars in my Cubby after I moved and the other was 700 dollars in a Coca Cola box. What use does a kid have with money? Both times however I expertly shifted the blame from myself. Lying was another little hobby I picked up around then. The two went hand in hand perfectly.

I've gone through many phases in my short life where I put emphasis on one of my many 'vices'. Between drugging, lying, cheating and stealing I'm not sure which is my favorite. They're all a lot more interesting than living life 'by the book'. Empaths with little empathy are a lot more 'fun' to be around than boring ole sober-Joes, that's for damn sure. And what group of people has some of the lowest amounts of Empathy? Drug 'addicts', who else?