Conversation Inspires

I feel... exhilarated. I was completely in my element today.. meaning, completely full of shit.

It's nice to stretch those Deceit Muscles a bit more strenuously once in awhile, it's good for circulation. It is a satisfying experience, to pull the wool over someone's eyes. It's not always necessarily for any particularly malicious reason, either. Simply lying for the sake of lying tickles my narcissism like a wispy feather.

And it is unfortunate, my inherent narcissism. As much as the psychopathic side of me resents the weaknesses Narcissism brings, it IS probably one of the few reasons I experience any positive stimuli at all.  Having my ego stroked gives me the same kind of giddiness Normals get from snuggling kittens. I rarely indulge such frivolities though. I'm usually too busy being the misanthropic leech that I am. Any kind of positive feeling is rare for me. I'm not depressed or anything else so dramatic--just simply flat-lined. Sometimes I swear I need to check my pulse.

Not all psychopaths are emotionless- that's a common misconception. The spectrum ranges from violent, easily irritated individuals to completely apathetic, emotionless corpses walking among the living. I myself am somewhere in between. My range of emotions is small and short lived, but still there all the same. I'm not purely empty nor out of control. Just in between.

Knowledge is something I enjoy possessing. A wide variety inhabits my head, and when appropriate I like nothing less than to set it free. Of course today I'm in a bit of  a Narcy mood, but I assure you that's not always the case. I think I'm managing to irritate myself. And when you're the only thing that's important, that can start being a real problem.

I am.. Upset?

Pissed is more like it. Although I only view anger as a one dimensional tactic. She's gone. Left to some work thing and for about five minutes I admittedly felt slightly off. A bit darker in thinking than I normally am and that is odd. Five whole minutes of a genuine twinge. I am most definitely a creature of habit, change is not my first, middle or last name. Therefore it is an understandable reaction-yet still.

I'm in a poor mood. I don't particularly like it and now you're thinking 'of course you don't like it, moron'. And I respond with 'well you'd be surprised at some of the things I like'. This mood isn't on the list. It happens from time to time- occasionally I let slip my normal self denial that life is in some way meaningful or at least- should be lived through naturally to its conclusion. In reality I don't see the point. Nothing means anything and everything means nothing. I am more interested in the spurting, sluicing sound of the blood from my own carotid as I slice gleefully than the entirety of all the history of my family.

It has nothing to do with sadness and everything to do with boredom. Bored bored bored is what I am and this level of eternal boredom can make you do whacky things. Like kill your whole family but I would never do that. No, I'm much too lazy, really I don't understand the logic behind murder, why go through all the effort of subduing others when you're perfectly full of blood and skin and gore to be flung around the room carelessly yourself? I don't have to duct-tape myself to the chair- I already promised not to struggle. And as surely as I trust my right hand to act as my right hand I trust myself not to fight.

Now you're thinking, 'I am reading insanity'- and that may be true. But really is insanity anything to really flee from? We're all a bit off in our own merry ways and really shouldn't you Empaths be more accepting and the like? Can't you empathize with my psychosis? Shame shame on you if not. God only allows the most patronizing into heaven- something about being 'in his image'.  I don't know, I'm not the expert. Why else would I have hired you?

Anyway now I am here alone and am convinced I'm having some sort of ridiculously ill-timed flashback because you wouldn't believe what I just thought I saw walking through my kitchen. I'll even give you a hint- it has eight tentacles and walks on two legs. Exactly. We're on the same page, I definitely need some help and of course by 'help' I mean more booze.  I wonder what the world record is for self-stabbings? That's not a threat just honest curiousity I mean, damn. That must be one hard world record to break and if you're lucky you MIGHT get like one and a half shots at it. Now there's an Olympic sport I'd watch! They could have their metals affixed to their Urn.

Horror

I have always had a fascination with the depraved. Even when I was a small child, I would watch 'scary' movies and relate most to the 'villain'. While everyone else cheered the 'Hero's' triumph I would boo him from the sidelines. I never understood their motives. Why sacrifice anything for someone else for no good reason? Why risk something for no material gain? Why do people give money to charities?

I've always viewed this from a logical and cynical viewpoint. Although you must keep in mind, one man's logic is another man's chaos. Anyway, I see empathy as nothing more than over-hyped selfishness. As far as I can see Empaths TAKE the emotions of others and use them to get attention for themselves. But, this was my viewpoint before I discovered my Sociopathy (before I had a name for my... tendencies). I may be twisted and fucked up, but one thing I am not is ignorant. Having discovered I have APD has changed my perspective on many things. Yes, I still believe empathy is pointless- but I also understand that my opinion is skewed by lack of understanding.

I'm not exactly sure what the point of this post was supposed to be- or even is. There's 2 minutes to midnight and I realize I am just expressing thoughts I've often pondered many a time. Why is everyone else different from me? It's a question I've always asked myself, even from a very young age. Not from any kind of insecurity but a burning curiosity. I've always got a mild satisfaction from viewing media centered around the taboo. Serial murder, rape, torture, cannibalism the list goes on. I don't get the same things out of it that I believe Empaths do. I find it interesting to view a 'normal' person's view of the 'other side' of morality. As if it is some tangible wall that separates the men from the beasts. That and a good bloody murder scene has always tickled my funny bone.

I also enjoy seeing Sociopath's in television as the protagonists and how the writers, actors and director try to paint the Sociopath in a better light. Characters like that are literally manipulating the masses through the screen. Just look at the show Dexter. Sure, Dexter Morgan is a blood hungry serial killer with a mild case of schizophrenia (if you ask me..) but he ONLY kills 'bad guys'. Other serial killers to be precise. And although the obvious hypocrisy is something any sociopath could naturally easily ignore, the real trouble comes with how they make him act and his explanations for his choices. In the show they act as if he has a conscience but also the urge to kill- that my friends is great for people like me. YES, absolutely go ahead and create a sympathetic view of the modern day psychopath. Make the masses empathetic to our cause.

By this point I can tell I'm not only rambling, but exhausted. But, this is my blog and so I suppose I have the authority and if anything, the sworn duty, to ramble to my heart's content. This weekend I'm going on a little trip. Out to the desert for a 'nice' weekend of soothing, scalding hot 'relaxation'. I don't know if I'll be able to get Internet there and therefore may be missing a few posts I'm 'sorry' to say. Alas, the world will go on without me, if only for a few days.

The world is but a simple puzzle; it takes an unhindered mind to sort the pieces.

The variations of Sociopaths

A few days ago I hinted at a future discussion of the differences between Sociopaths. We are all unique people with different character traits. Our only common 'bond', if you will, is our lack of Empathy, Shame and Conscience. Everything else are variables in which we can differ. Just like Empaths we are unique. Some Empaths may have anger issues, others may be melodramatic sobbing Emos; some are sensitive and others are very INsensitive. The same goes for Sociopaths- we vary too.

Some Sociopaths experience little to no emotion or reaction to anything, these Socios, I believe to be the greatest 'thrill' seekers. Others can be very violent and easily angered, whether they hide their short fuse also varies. Some lead a life of crime and others barely color outside the lines. The problem with modern psychology and their view of psychopaths, is their main pool for study are the short fused, dumb sociopaths coalescing in our prison system.

Since when has a psychologist got to study the high-powered businessmen who just happens to be a Socio? Or the successful doctor, lawyer or even the mailman. So, because their largest samples of psychopaths come from prisons, they try to paint us all into that same box. "All people with antisocial personality are like this _____." As if it's set in stone. This is the only perspective the world sees.

Not to mention the score of pathetic spouses on the net, spewing their sob stories about their 'psychopath' exes who usually don't even half assed fit the profile. Empaths can be conniving and manipulative too, and they don't always feel bad for it either. So then of course after all these morons whine all over the 'net, what does everyone see? They see that this chick's ex was a 'psychopath' because he cheated. "OH WAIT! MY boyfriend cheated! He MUST be a Sociopath too!" and the cycle goes on and on.

Basically what I'm saying, is there IS a definite difference between being an asshole, and being a card carrying Socio. This is just me setting the record straight. We're all different, you can't just expect us to all come from the same angle. Most people expect us all to be grungy criminals you could see coming from a mile away- the reality is quite different. Take this quote by Ted Bundy- insert sociopath and maybe take out dead children; "We serial killers are your sons, we are your husbands, we are everywhere. And there will be more of your children dead tomorrow"

*claps dramatically* well spoken Ted.

We all saw where that philosophy got him.

Fried to a crisp

Sociopaths in the media

Help me think up some examples:

Dr Gregory House, from the show House MD

Laurie from the show That 70's Show

Dexter Morgan from the show Dexter

Angelica from Rugrats

Barack Obama from Afghani- I mean the United States

The list goes on.. I wanna keep track.

'The land of the free, and the home of the obnoxious morons"

Ugh, today is, lucky lucky for me, the 4th of July. I hate holidays. I shouldn't even have to go into exactly why, anyone with half a brain should be able to hazard several spot-on guesses. Every year my Grandfather wants to go down to the lake and watch fireworks 'together'. It is a day I dread for 364 days of the year. It is pointless, frivolous and uncomfortable. There are so many less annoying things I could be doing that Don't involve pretending to be enthralled by airborne explosives and the morons that wield them. Every, fucking, year someone almost gets blown to pieces. Do you have any idea how disappointing that is? To ALMOST watch some idiot asshole get the shit blown out of him? It is pure torture.

It just makes me hot, and thirsty and uncomfortable. Standing there watching 'happily' moronic people go about their holiday with drunken cheer. And when I'm annoyed, I get introspective-the more annoyed the more introspective I get. And believe you me, I am one fucking psychopath you don't want introspective. I start thinking of all the people I'd like to eliminate, and that list is exponentially long. More get added to that list every day, and just thinking about how I'd like to... shorten, that list fills me with a bit of that 'holiday' cheer everyone else seems to have.

Ha, what'dyou know! I managed to 'cheer' myself up. I knew creating this Blog was a good idea. And yes, I'm going to be annoyed the rest of the night, and some fucking asshole keeps blowing things up outside my house, but, every corpse has its bloody lining or however that saying goes. I should try to stay on the positive- I have 364 whole days to get revenge on every moron in my neighborhood for putting me in this dreadful mood.

Thanks for the PickmeUp,

ZKM

Sociopathic Quote of the Day:

"Nature is cruel; therefore we are also entitled to be cruel. When I send the flower of German youth into the steel hail of the next war without feeling the slightest regret over the precious German blood that is being spilled, should I not also have the right to eliminate millions of an inferior race that multiplies like vermin?" -Adolph Hitler

I use a lot of Hitler quotes, because he is one of the most well-known recognized Psychopaths of our time. Just look at what he was capable of doing. He took on the world, and though I believe he was borderline Narcissistic, I would like to take credit for his brilliance by categorizing him under the banner of Sociopath. Although I must admit, the Meth he was on throughout the war does deserve a great deal of consideration in that respect.

Devastation and Grief

I guess recently a 'friend of the family' had a... tragedy drop upon her doorstep. Two members of her family, including 2 of her grandchildren and their babysitter all either drowned to death in her backyard or almost did, each trying to save each-other. Apparently it all started when her 10 year old grandkid fell in the river that was a short walk from their backyard. The 16 year old babysitter dived in to save the 10 year old, and the other, 6 year old grandchild dived in to save the babysitter. Both would-be rescuers died, while the 10 year old survived.

My first reaction was to laugh- the irony of the whole thing I find extremely amusing. Of course, I've met and spent time with that whole family. I may not be able to comprehend grief but I can identify and enjoy a good case of irony. The would-be saviors became the only victims. Talk about baptism by fire. If I ever heard of an ideal birth of a Nurture (as opposed to Nature) Sociopath, this is it. Either that or just a simple serial killer, but we can hope for the former. No, more like she'll just become an emotional wreck like Empaths tend to become in the face of 'tragedy'.

I would be thrilled I survived, but this just goes to show you how ungrateful Empaths can be of what they have. And it annoys me when things like this happen, because it brings my greatest weakness to light. I can't relate to grieving people. I hate when Empaths cry, you can never seem to make them stop. I can laugh and charm and wiggle my way around many different scenarios, but when faced with devastated people.. I'm at a loss. My witty, sarcastic masks have no purchase on this kind of.. honest, deep, emotion.

When put face to face with a sad, despondent Empath I can almost feel a giant spotlight above my head, highlighting for all the world to see my inadequacies. I am awkward and shallow and feel as if this fact is plain as day to anyone who cares to look but an inch or two deep. Even when I can pull off an air of quiet, 'aloof' unhappiness I can never gauge the 'appropriate' time I am supposed to enact these 'emotions'. It is a common misconception that Sociopaths have absolutely no emotion. We do. Ours are just shallow and self-centered. Most Sociopaths have a hair-trigger, they have much anger, and only hide it from the world.

I've been known to have little spurts of increased Unhappiness. Such as when a pet died or something like that. The difference is it was very short-lived, and usually revolved around ME no longer having something to amuse-ME. And dealing with someone or something "close' to me dying has always been an extreme annoyance. Sure there's occasionally that slight unhappiness, but it is quickly followed with complete annoyance at having my time wasted pretending to be emotionally unstable. I can somewhat understand being.. sad. But after a day or so it seems illogical and imprudent. Once the damn thing's buried it's gone. It is like emotional Peek-a-Boo. Once I don't see it, I don't comprehend pretending to be whiney about it anymore.

Which is undoubtedly why I Hate. Grieving. Empaths. Now my whole day, and perhaps week, is completely shot because I have to play saddened and subdued friend. I can only hope as Mr. Almighty "Once said', "this too shall pass'.

But don't even get me started on that fucking book.

We all know a Sociopath wrote the Bible.

Errands

Today was horrendously exhausting. It seemed as if we had an endless supply of errands to run. We were out at least 8 hours doing everything under the Sun. Well, maybe that's a bit of an over-exaggeration but still. I was up late last night, then got up early and now I'm extremely drained so forgive my less than stellar prose for today, maybe later tonight I'll pick this up and write anew.