A phrase I have used for countless years to describe myself is, "I was born thirty," and it really couldn't be anymore true. My self-awareness is truly amazing, my memory stretches back to even months old. This is part of how I can really map my mental development. Memories from when I was an infant up to young childhood are of course, not the same as memories from yesterday or even adolescence. They are very vague and unclear, seen through an undeveloped mind. Often they are of being held and watching mouthes move but having no understanding or even the foresight to question what is being heard.
So you can imagine, even as a child I was very thoughtful and introspective. I was 'callous' and unfeeling--more so than average children, but at that point I had no realization that I was doing anything wrong in anyone's eyes, not just my own. This is where I really began to begin my dissent into psychopathy. In psychology we're taught morals and the learning of proper social behavior is most developed in the earlier formative years, believe it or not. This is when our brains really establish a disposition one way or the other in terms of behavior that is 'ingrained' and 'natural' for us to model ourselves after.
This is also when I was surrounded, not by bright and upstanding citizens, but dull and degenerate lowlifes who made sure I had no idea what empathy even was until I was removed by the state from my living situation just prior to adolescence. By then of course, it was too late.
People who grew up in nice suburban areas can never fully understand all the ways that being raised in a ghetto is different. Of course there is the obvious, drugs/violence/etc. But also, the fundamental child-rearing beliefs are drastically different. I was never a child because I never acted like one. As soon as you display the mental ability to enter into the life, you're thrust into it head first. I was expected to do a lot of the things the adults did, as soon as I was able. In large part this was because of my brilliance. I can recall giving advice on any number of things, from financial to personal-- and this was as a child!
The hugest thing I was enmeshed in at that point in time was conning. This was obviously because I was such a huge benefit, the general belief among people seems to be that children can't lie convincingly--this is a lie that made it a lot easier for me to do my job. Unbeknownst to them, the skills learned while making them money, really enhanced my psychopathy more toward a level it's at now. All the shit I say about manipulation; body language/voice intonation/technique-- is garnered from personal experience getting people to do what I want without the ability to physically force them.
These years I was also abused in most ways I can think of. Any empathy that may have trickled in from above was deftly stomped out, crushed and set on fire. It is hard to explain how this effected me, it truly is. I can't say I was completely apathetic to it, but definitely not emotional either. I guess the best way to describe it was, I was emotionally retarded. I was really brilliant in some ways, and really dumb in others. I never really connected people's actions to their feelings, and I never really connected incidences together. In hindsight I can recall several beatings I should have saw coming. I can also recall getting beaten much more savagely than other children simply because I didn't display the correct amount of devastation.
The rule for when to stop beating someone is about 5-minutes after they begin crying and pleading for you to stop. For some reason I never seemed to. In my mind's eye I see, more than one time when, an adult was practically running toward me with every obvious indication they were going to beat the living shit out of me, and I didn't even flinch. Like I saw them rushing toward me, fist lifted, and made no connection that I was going to get struck. And after they struck, I was surprised every time they did after that. Like I had forgotten they fucking hit me two seconds ago. This was not nerves of steal, it was a lack of processing in my brain. Another issue with that was my inability to cry. I would get beaten, and feel intense pain, but not cry. This has led me to believe that tears are a learned rather than a purely biological response to negative stimuli.
Eventually, I did learn that in order to survive I would need to fake certain emotions at certain times. Another way I was helped along in this endeavor, was the fact that I terrified my mother, and her boyfriend. They were avid drug-users, and very early-on they gave me the lovely nickname, Satan (or Devil). This was on account of my unnatural apathy for a child. They would often scream out passionate verses from the Bible while beating me, "I DEFY THEE SATAN!" and other such charming phrases. This truly amused me, even then, because I had read more of the Bible than either of them (on account of being forced to) and I realized quite clearly that they were much closer to being spawns from hell than I ever could be. I truly had 'flat-effect' as a child, my face always remained impassive-- I never smiled, and that is what really disturbed people.
People would always look at my face and exclaim "Why are you angry?!" Which always confused me because I was never angry, I couldn't understand what made them think that. Eventually, after getting beaten every time I got caught not showing emotion, I was trained basically like a dog, to smile. This brutal lesson follows me today. If you were to meet me in person you'd notice I smile frequently, if not always, regardless what I am discussing. I am not popular at funerals. Though I have made this flaw in myself a fitting part of many of my personalities, so it seems more natural (and with enough focus I can act out other more fitting emotions as well).
Anyway, after being taken out of a callous environment and thrown into the world of the Middle-Class Emotional I was absolutely flabbergasted. But this post is getting a bit long-winded, perhaps I should elaborate on this another day.
2 comments:
i always wondered myself whether crying was purely learned... i think not purely, obviously, but a large part perhaps.
i know that if i hadn't had the stable, nurturing, middle class upbringing i had that i would definitely be a different person and probably in jail!
I think to a certain extent it is present biologically, but the level we take it to in modern times, is learned. Children are trained when and when not to cry.
Even looking at the supposed difference between males and females. It is generally not considered appropriate for a male to cry at most times, so male children are taught this by a certain age. Females however, receive positive reinforcement when they cry throughout life. Males in more liberal environments not scrutinized for crying are often noted for being more 'sensitive'. The reverse goes for females.
This of course, is a blanket theory not going into other variables in too much depth.
I personally am surprised I'm not in jail, but not ungrateful ;). Basically, it boils down to; I was 'lucky' not to get caught before I discovered the enjoyment that could be gleaned from the intellectual rather than the criminal pursuit.
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