An Interlude Into My Life

Sometimes I wonder at what is considered important to the masses. Of all the traits that make people differ from each other, few even register in my mind. So many frivolous things dwelt upon; gender, race, religion. I could care less.

I don't care about what a person projects to the world, I want to see their insides. I want to see what makes their heart race, what floods ice through their veins, what makes them quake in fear and jump for joy. Like a surgeon of the mind I want to dissect and probe them like no one has done before, and I want to do it quickly, flawlessly and subtly. That's all I really want to do.

It sounds strange, a bit far-fetched- and it is. To understand the motivation you'd have to experience life completely inside your mind for awhile. Imagine being an actor in a scene that never ends. What would you do to pass the time? What recreation could you have but to peer behind the eyes of your fellow actors?

Everyone has their little quirks. Some people collect buttons or figurines or pennies and the like. I collect observations. I look at a person and paint a picture over time. The juxtaposition of who a person is versus who they pretend to be can be grand or miniscule, but still interesting just the same.

Through the eyes of someone else like me I must be fascinating indeed. So contradictory, paradoxical. I have no identity and therefore just like water I am shapeless, moulded to fit my surroundings. I hate to be dramatic but it's true.

My daily interactions are a curious mixture of ad-libbing and careful fore-planning. I have periodic 'meetings' with myself where I analyze the direction of my current personality(s) and decide if changes should be made. From adolescence to now, countless drastic alterations have been made, as well as many many smaller changes.

I suppose I began doing this when I was fairly young. It was a result of the realization that human beings were linear functions. I noticed that while others appeared to be changing, one might say 'maturing', I was no different than I had been for years. It was a puzzling discovery.

There is no guidance for people like me. No relatable 'adult' figure that teaches you how to pretend to be human. That's all up to you, and it can be a difficult transition to make.

Late elementary school is when I noticed the shift normal humans start to make. They become less authentic and more main stream. Being accepted by the masses becomes more important-- not that their weren't little social groups before, but at this point it enters a whole new level. Now all the sudden it's important to be 'cool' and 'fit in' and anyone who doesn't is punished brutally through physical and psychological harassment.

This was also a huge transition for me. I had to make several decisions consciously that Normals make subconsciously. What path should I take now? What kind of 'group' would it be to my advantage to cling to? I wasn't sure.

So I dabbled. In a short period of time I tested out everything from being a 'prep' to a 'loner' and found that while I could pull anything off, it seemed more logical to choose the kind of people closest to my purest form. The less acting I'd have to deal with, the better.

Junior High was also when I experienced the most difficulty with my impulsiveness. I had always been violent, but in my formative years I lived surrounded by people like me. Guiltless, aggressive predators who could care less if I spent my free time kicking puppies or getting into fights-if anything it was encouraged. Now all the sudden I'm thrust into a structured environment with normal people who control themselves and color inside the lines and now I had to figure out a way to emulate that. I was largely unsuccessful, for a time.

And then I started 'growing' thought wise. I had always been extremely introspective but around this time is when I started utilizing that aspect of myself in a more intelligent way. I began to internalize my violent tendencies and create a stronger facade less prone to cracks.

I still struggle with my impulses but then again, I'm still young. Every year I gain more control, more awareness and insightfulness.

I know I usually write in a more upbeat, sarcastic tone but today I thought I'd share a bit more. This blog to me is like a parody of my life and how the world views sociopathy. Sharing a more grandiose, narcissistic side of myself is infinitely entertaining and that's ultimately the only thing I find important. Life is a dull blade, sharpen it anyway you can.