Hello again.
I'm thrilled to touch base a bit after such an admittedly long hiatus. Unfortunately, life comes banging at my door more often than I'd wish. To put it plainly, I've been busy. Have I had time to post? Most definitely, but after completing piles of work I could care less about my weekly introspection.
And that is, what this is. Simply a medium for me to think through and track my thoughts over time. Currently, I am ridiculously stressed and not just a little irritated at that fact. The more irritated and impatient I get, the less effective I get at maintaining an appropriate camouflage.
I am naturally an extremely impulsive person. I act with caution and tact purely through strength of will. Everyday I get better at controlling certain tendencies, but still I'm not yet where I want to be.
It's funny because 'inside' is much more chaotic than I show. It is an interesting paradox because inside my head I am positively insane but 'outside' my head I am perfectly normal (when need be).
This brings me to another topic I'm not sure I've touched on here; alter egos (for the lack of a better term). I myself am a bit disjointed. There are two people in my head and they both think differently. One controls my thoughts and the other, my actions.
I consider myself 'the gatekeeper' as in, I connect my own 'identity' more with the person who controls my actions. The one who controls my thoughts tries to sway me one way or the other, but ultimately I decide who's argument has the most merit.
It sounds a bit crazy, talking to your own various 'alter egos' but in reality, insanity is only characterized by your actions. Having voices in your head doesn't make you crazy, following their will in a public setting leading to incarceration does.
Tuesday, March 8, 2011
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2 comments:
lol i can relate a bit to this :)
with me i often feel like i am really the pilot observing my autopilot behaviour, stepping in now and then only to take control of important situations.
i talk to myself a fair bit, and have been overheard on rare occasion - when it was commented on once i said "yeah i talk to myself, it's the only way i get an intelligent conversation round here!"
Yes, exactly. For me though, I have no doubt it is a mental construct I have developed over time. I can literally think with two different voices at once.
All the time I have perfectly articulate conversations with people while simultaneously thinking about something else altogether. This I suppose is partially how I've grown able to manipulate situations with ease-it is like I can subconsciously coach myself on exactly what needs to be said to achieve a certain goal.
But as they say, the human mind has infinite possibilities. Anyone is capable of much more than they realize if they were to hone their abilities more studiously. That's why I believe society at large gives psychopaths much too much credit. Sure, we can be very manipulative and tricky when we choose to be, but it's not as if plenty of Normals couldn't do the same thing if they weren't so distracted by extraneous emotions. A little bit of logic can go a long way.
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