'UNTITLED' AKA: Forced Posting 101

I've been busy lately. Not in the same way as before, but in a way that has made it difficult for me to find the time to think about myself. That's what inspires these posts. Self reflection, metacognitive thought. Something I've always done, but has changed a bit this past year as I've written so expressly about myself. Instead of considering my actions in broad strokes, I have an anchor, a basis from which my self analysis revolves; my psychopathy. Connecting my behaviors to a known basis gives me a depth of knowledge of myself I'm lucky to have.

Just recently I decided to center some of my research on people like me. Not just psychopaths, but very specific 'paths whose criminal background and psychology were particularly on par with mine. Looking at these people, their actions and their lives was somewhat shocking and very eye-opening. It's very rare for someone like me to experience a feeling of 'similarity' with someone else. Rarely when I say "me too!" do I actually feel any 'kinship' with the person I'm speaking. But in this case, I was very purposeful in finding others like me.

It was somewhat unbelievable. Sure, I have read about certain infamous psychopaths before, heard of them, and often people email me on this blog comparing me to them. To answer some of your questions now, before I have to hear them again later; I have little to nothing in common with Ted Bundy, Jeffrey Dahmer, Edmund Kemper or many of the other very popular 'sociopaths'. I'm miles less narcissistic than Bundy, less of a hoarder than Dahmer and am not as preoccupied with my mother as Kemper. Of course, there are a few parallels but even an empath could find a few similarities with anyone, even the most 'unempathetic' individual.  

I looked into a variety of people, from suspiciously sociopathic high-powered persons to obviously psychopathic criminals who seemed to have a similar carriage or outlook as myself. I’m not sure exactly what I was seeking to gain by this; insight into myself? Entertainment? Role models (ha)? All I can say is the actual result, the feelings I had when viewing these people were various. One was intense irritation, especially toward some of the individuals who had committed similar acts as I, BEFORE me. I just could not get over the overwhelming feeling of competition. Like when a child gets to the age when they realize their parents were full of shit when they said they were ‘special’. Foolishly, I allowed my ever-buried narcissism to take hold and compel me toward a series of reckless endeavors that not only delayed my posting even more, but resulted in the fun injury that has fucked me over thus far.  Yay.

I can’t/couldn’t even come up with a better lie for how I got injured than “I fell down the stairs.” Fucking classic. I know you all prefer me in my more ‘well kempt’ mask but, I’ve found it feels good to be a bit more ‘edgy’ on occasion. Don’t you? Well, maybe not. But as they say, variety is the spice of life. Though perhaps mine needs to be a bit more watered down as of late…