My Obsession.

 “I am haunted by you. From my suffering self I would tear out my soul to walk as an empty vessel through life if it would end your possession of me…”" - Jerry Kirk

Obsession is defined as the domination of one's thoughts or feelings by a persistent idea, image or desire. It is a derivative of the Latin word ‘obsidere’ meaning to besiege, in reference to the belief that such passionate and pervasive thoughts were akin to being besieged by powerful spirits taking control of your mind. Manipulating you, possessing you, seducing you with soft whispers and invisible caresses. I for one, have no idea how to make them stop.

Recently I read a dissertation, which brought forth the thesis that the psychology of violent psychopaths was not dissimilar to that of addicts. The author argued that the mode through which psychopaths expressed addictive behavior was through their progressing attachment and participation in fantasy from childhood onward. Originally a vessel to escape reality, fantasy moves on to become an integral part of the psychopath’s ‘identity’. He then goes on to explain how the intensity and depravity of said fantasies creates a euphoria that comes to fill the void in a sociopathic child’s emotional development.

In this way violent fantasies begin working in the brain much like drugs do in an addict. When you become hooked on a drug like Heroin, the drug literally begins taking over certain processes in your brain. In psychology we loosely call these processes apart of your ‘reward system’. The body’s reward system is made up of various chemicals including dopamine and serotonin. When your body becomes too accustomed to a drug manipulating your brain’s production of these chemicals, your body adjusts to that by ceasing to produce them naturally. This is what makes it almost impossible for veteran drug users to stop. Their brain chemistry is now literally altered to make these drugs biologically necessary. They’ll do anything to avoid the misery, apathy and lack of happiness that comes with quitting.

For the young psychopath, half of this cycle is missing. A heroin addict’s brain could take years to normalize enough to feel happiness without extreme stimulus, making it ridiculously hard for him/her to quit. For the psychopath, that reward system was broken from the beginning. What that means is constant fantasizing and thrill-seeking behavior becomes akin to an alcoholic needing a drink. We need it to function normally like others can naturally. We can’t stop, it’s the only thing keeping us alive.

But at this point in my life, I think it’s killing me. I am so deep in my own ocean of depravity I can’t even recall which way is up. I’m drowning with air in my lungs. I’m dead but my heart’s still beating.

It’s impossible to focus. The thoughts have always plagued me, possessed me and influenced my actions. But at one time they were analogous to a friend, a companion. Sure, they played games with me. Cruelly pushed me into risky situations; shoved me into positions a clever kid should avoid. But my thoughts only led me to hedonistic delights. Only persuaded me out of my decorum and sharp tact in order to smother my senses in euphoria. To remind me I wasn’t just taking breaths for show.

But now I’m too far in; too deep in a quicksand I’m not sure I want to escape from. Like I’m climbing a mountain I’m never going to reach the peak of. I feel as if I am literally miles under the ocean with no light to guide my way to survival. There is this bursting pressure behind my eyes, a prickling of a thousand needles under my skin, compelling me to satisfy this need, this fucking uncontrollable desire, and it seems nothing will satisfy it anymore.

Giving in is only a temporary respite. A shallow breath before being plunged back into acrid waters. There is an ultimate pinnacle of pleasure that will come with the perfection of my fantasy, with the flawlessness of my ritual and the re-creation of this ideal. I’m sure of it. This is my obsession. These are the words whispered into blushing ears. These are the beliefs massaged into a pained chest. I have nothing else. My obsession is the single object of color in a world of black and white.

I’m not sure if this feeling of perpetual dissatisfaction, even when enacting long-desired fantasies is a result of one factor or another. I have a suspicion that there is a single individual to blame. My obsession has never encompassed an object or person, but rather a situation or idea. Now it does. Now my perfect fantasy, my addiction, involves a single object I can’t get my hands on. Part of me would do anything to get it. The other part is more prudent; wise. Either way, nothing but death will stop me from eventually assuaging my besieged mind. I’ll get what I want, rest-assured, but how am I supposed to breathe until then?

'Antisocial' or Outcast Disorder?

I suppose everyone experiences transitional moments in their lives. I sure have, if I think about it. As a person, I haven’t changed much emotionally since the age of maybe ten or twelve. Immature is the word the psych books use; them and every ‘significant other’ I can recall, which isn’t many to be frank. Mostly by choice; I hate people. Despise them, and most specifically I despise their revolting mating rituals. It disgusts me, and I suppose you can imagine what that disgust means for my ‘love’ life. I don’t have one, want one, need one. Or at least I didn’t.

Yet looking back on my life as I’m won’t to do, I see that my life’s path hasn’t really been written by me, not like I’d like. It’s apparent simply by the situations I have been in and the people I’ve been attached to. Who I am is an enigma. I use the word ‘who’ loosely, perhaps I meant ‘what’ or ‘where’ or ‘how’.

I’m an interesting person because I have quirks. But in psychology quirks aren’t simple traits, they’re symptoms. They tell a story purely by showing you the ending and letting you piece the beginning and middle together, fragment by fragment. The ‘ending’ is the person I am now, the tendencies I portray that characterize me as a uniquely warped individual. The job of the psychologist is to identify certain traits, piece together their story and use that information to eliminate, bury or most commonly “release’ said symptoms.

I once asked an FBI agent what a serial killer was. He said a psychopath. I asked him what a psychopath was. He said, ‘a guy with no emotional baggage and a lot of quirks’. I was impressed by his astuteness. That’s the best way I could describe myself-- quirky. It’s a funny word whose synonyms include; eccentric, idiosyncratic and peculiar.

I’ve noticed we often have ‘loner’ personalities by nature. A general dislike of other people, desire for privacy, and an aversion to intimacy. But, if you look at a psychopath closely, it begs the question of whether we have much choice. Even sitting in front of this computer, in front of an unknown and scattered audience, I couldn’t possibly reveal even a quarter of my LEAST interesting quirks to you all without getting a lot more incriminated than I’d like.

Now, if you ask almost any therapist what the ‘key’ to a healthy relationship is, they’ll no doubt say “communication’. And if you ask them what the key to good communication is, they’ll say; honesty, openness and acceptance. Without my spelling it out for you, it’s clear just upon reading those few lines that psychopaths are naturally disadvantaged in regards to creating and maintaining healthy relationships.

Not only do we have a tendency toward pathological lying, we have a valid reason for it too. Self-preservation. Even if I wanted to ‘come clean’ and be an Honest Joe, I couldn’t without screwing myself over. Something I’ve never thought about was how naturally alienating my personality-type is. I’ve never considered it because it’s irrelevant in a cyclic way. It compels me to hate people, which makes it irrelevant that me having it alienates others from me and vice versa . 

In its most clinical form it’s called Antisocial Personality Disorder. But I’m beginning to question if it’s we, the psychopaths, that are the antisocial ones. Or if we are just forced into antisocial behavior by others who can’t accept our little ‘quirks’.

'UNTITLED' AKA: Forced Posting 101

I've been busy lately. Not in the same way as before, but in a way that has made it difficult for me to find the time to think about myself. That's what inspires these posts. Self reflection, metacognitive thought. Something I've always done, but has changed a bit this past year as I've written so expressly about myself. Instead of considering my actions in broad strokes, I have an anchor, a basis from which my self analysis revolves; my psychopathy. Connecting my behaviors to a known basis gives me a depth of knowledge of myself I'm lucky to have.

Just recently I decided to center some of my research on people like me. Not just psychopaths, but very specific 'paths whose criminal background and psychology were particularly on par with mine. Looking at these people, their actions and their lives was somewhat shocking and very eye-opening. It's very rare for someone like me to experience a feeling of 'similarity' with someone else. Rarely when I say "me too!" do I actually feel any 'kinship' with the person I'm speaking. But in this case, I was very purposeful in finding others like me.

It was somewhat unbelievable. Sure, I have read about certain infamous psychopaths before, heard of them, and often people email me on this blog comparing me to them. To answer some of your questions now, before I have to hear them again later; I have little to nothing in common with Ted Bundy, Jeffrey Dahmer, Edmund Kemper or many of the other very popular 'sociopaths'. I'm miles less narcissistic than Bundy, less of a hoarder than Dahmer and am not as preoccupied with my mother as Kemper. Of course, there are a few parallels but even an empath could find a few similarities with anyone, even the most 'unempathetic' individual.  

I looked into a variety of people, from suspiciously sociopathic high-powered persons to obviously psychopathic criminals who seemed to have a similar carriage or outlook as myself. I’m not sure exactly what I was seeking to gain by this; insight into myself? Entertainment? Role models (ha)? All I can say is the actual result, the feelings I had when viewing these people were various. One was intense irritation, especially toward some of the individuals who had committed similar acts as I, BEFORE me. I just could not get over the overwhelming feeling of competition. Like when a child gets to the age when they realize their parents were full of shit when they said they were ‘special’. Foolishly, I allowed my ever-buried narcissism to take hold and compel me toward a series of reckless endeavors that not only delayed my posting even more, but resulted in the fun injury that has fucked me over thus far.  Yay.

I can’t/couldn’t even come up with a better lie for how I got injured than “I fell down the stairs.” Fucking classic. I know you all prefer me in my more ‘well kempt’ mask but, I’ve found it feels good to be a bit more ‘edgy’ on occasion. Don’t you? Well, maybe not. But as they say, variety is the spice of life. Though perhaps mine needs to be a bit more watered down as of late…