Take a Peak Behind the Mask

"Success is the sole earthly judge of right and wrong."- Adolf Hitler

Tuesday, April 26, 2011

The Stalker, Stalked?

(Too bad the caption on this was written by what I hope is a foreign national and not simply an imbecile.)

Yes ladies and gentlemen, empaths and socios, yours truly has a stalker. Not anyone like the Night Stalker mind you, much less amusing than that, but still a stalker nonetheless.

Stalking is an extremely common crime, and can range from deadly dangerous, to harmless but eyebrow raising. I bring my situation up in this post because I'm sure it's interesting, "how does a psychopath react to such an emotional crime like stalking?" Because let's face it, generally the true goal, or rather effect, of stalking is emotional trauma. Being followed maliciously invokes a feeling of 'violation' that is often professed as being more disturbing than  a violent altercation might have been(though I doubt that's accurate).

My Wannabe Terror is really as benign as a stalker can get. An ex whose obsession has gone a little too far. But I am compelled to add that love interest is a common motive for stalking, and some of the most bloody endings of such instances, have been by past, or hoping-to-be future lovers.

Said person fills my phone and machine night and day with- oftentimes delusional-messages. Whole conversations are had without me uttering a word in response. They vary from "I love you baby, pick up the phone" to "I fucking hate you you goddamn asshole!" My personal favorites are the insidiously planted references to locations I frequented that day, "I saw you at so and so's house," or "I like the shirt you're wearing"-which is particularly flattering because they live many miles away and have no authentic reason to be anywhere in this area except to follow me. I think I feel the need to blush.

Recently, because Nature never saw fit to instill in me the same danger signals as an Empath I acquiesced to a meeting, which eventually led to somewhere secluded and a bit of, shall I say, overt aggression ensued on my Terror's part. This was a very curious situation to me. Before and after the altercation I was very introspective, very observant of this person. I know a predator when I see one; I am one. Upon first reading this you may be perplexed, even flabbergasted at my willingness to associate with my stalker. You may short-sightedly view me as foolish, naive perhaps- I assure you that is not the case.

I post this because, although I know that all psychopaths are different, and many would act differently than I- that this scenario could lead to one of few actual insights into the psychopathic mind offered by my blog. I am quite aware that I do not post articles, quote studies or delve too seriously into the psychology of people of like minds. I am interested in these things, and comment in those ways on others' blogs, but that's not my aim here. Plenty of psychopaths are able and willing to intellectualize those things much more than I. On this blog my aim is to entertain, namely myself, but perhaps others as well, and to express things I generally must internalize.

I was not threatened because such a 'predator' is no threat to me, much like a lion is no threat to a spider or a pedophile is no threat to a full grown man (without kids, sheesh! You people are always delving for lapses in logic). Someone who preys on emotions is no more than a nuisance to someone like me, who has and always will be, a much more literal danger.

So when said person grabbed me, I became fully myself quite instantly. As I've posted no doubt too many times (though unfortunately it continues to be relevant), I generally maintain a stringent level of self control for this very reason. Once my real face comes on there's really no going back until I'm satisfied. And so when this occurred I very instantly lost control-though that is less dramatic than you might imagine. This loss of control is not accompanied by an insane wale of rage nor some kind of rabid physical reaction, it is quiet, gentle and foreboding for the focus of my attention. A simple acknowledgement that the cage has been opened, so to speak.

Normally, this is reserved for specific times when I allow myself to play- this time however, it came with a hint of irritation that stemmed from the realization that this Child seemed unaware it was picking on a grownup several times its size (and I truly hope you realize that was a metaphor).

I grabbed the closest hand that dared touch me and squeezed and twisted whilst simultaneously calculating certain variables that one rarely thinks of while in an emotional rage-but while in my trance I do quite naturally, including level of seclusion, potential witnesses and method of disposal. The result of my calculation was that 1 and 1 equalled 3 and so I quickly shifted gears, into a more appropriate yet less satisfying persona. And so the situation ended much less messy than it could have, but with no less message sending for my Terror. You may be thinking I left quite a few details out, and indeed you'd be right.

A like-minded observer who possesses a similar, shall I say, tendency, as I, might not comprehend how my need differs from theirs. How this situation shifted with little consequence. The difference is simple, there is a certain ritual, a certain guideline that must be met for many people like me--and I'm not talking psychopaths in general, I'm talking an even more minority group-to satisfy that aspect of their personality. Mine goes hand in hand with my control. It is difficult to explain, but this tendency demands that when I 'lose control' I still maintain it in every way but one. It is like a jonesing crack addict who is offered heroin and declines. You may superficially think an addict is an addict, 'why would he decline a drug?' Conversely, another addict quite fond of heroin might rage that no one like him, in their right mind would refuse his drug of choice. But you see, that drug was not what the first addict craved; its lure does not shoot shivers up his spine nor make his hands shake with the anxiousness to be enveloped in its veil of euphoria. So yes, while said addict had a need, and was being offered a fix in the same category as the one he craved, it wasn't what he was looking for. The situation did not meet the requirements of his ritual, and so he waited, as did I.

--This was a very longwinded post, I know. But I am rarely so inspired to shed true insight into my reality.
I would ask that you not make assumptions or irrational conclusions based upon my words. My intent is ambiguous at best, but I assure you, like most things of interest more is read between the lines than with stroke of quill. To the educated reader this is obvious, but unfortunately, too many read with their eyes instead of their brains and those such people, I'd prefer not frequent this site.

Also, I'm not sure  if I've said this before, but feel free to mention any spelling or grammatical lapses you may have noted, they are generally not left due to ignorance, but rather, a slip of the brain. No matter how much I proof, I always seem to find an error a day or days hence.

Monday, April 18, 2011

What's Trust Got to do with It?

What exactly is trust? Trust to me is the inexplicable faith one person puts into another, that allows them to take more risks with that person than they otherwise would. It is a reward to a favorable trend of behavior on the other person's part, or it is simply a necessity in a given situation.

To very blatantly overgeneralize, there are two kinds of psychopath (for this post I'm using the word psychopath to encompass the entire antisocial spectrum). Those who for whatever reason choose to remain outrageously in their purest form, in public and private, and those who choose to blend in, wear a mask of normality as camouflage. To the former trust is a moot issue but to the latter, trust is absolutely pivotal.

I try to cultivate trust in anyway I can. A shallow-thinking Antisocial might ask, 'what's the benefit in that?' To me it's obvious. Empaths are blinded by positive emotions and are irrationally attached to the impressions they have of people. They are taught from an early age that there are 'good' people and there are 'bad' people. A solid sense of identity is extremely important to them, everyone has to be categorized.

Therefor, if someone thinks you are a 'good' person, you are automatically put into a box. Anything you do, within reason, will be judged in a positive light. So, how do you make people see you as a good person? That's where trust comes in. How do you build trust? In various ways. Random acts of kindness, understanding, and laving of attention, to name a few.

I'm a planner, a thinker. I have to be. Social manipulation is not an exact science. People don't realize that manipulation in general is less action, more observation. Anyone could do it, but few have the energy, the intelligence, or the need to be successful. Not every tactic will work on every person.

Another important thing to remember is that manipulation in large part, relies on subtlety and subversion. It is much preferable to play with an unaware individual than an aware one. The biggest mistake I see people make when trying to outwit someone is being too overt, impatient and transparent in their intentions.

For instance, say you intend to 'borrow' something from someone. One mistake I've seen is for such a thief to initiate conversation prior where they 'subtly' bring up the topic of stealing and boldly assert that they 'would never do that' or some other derivative of that statement. While that kind of tactic may work on occasion, it is very amateur and upon hindsight by any thinking person, very suspect.

When I have a goal in mind I consider several different methods, then decide which one is the most subtle and least liable to be noticed. That is always the best choice. For gaining trust, actions truly are infinitely more effective than words.

As a psychopath my hugest roadblock is my impulsivity. I studiously keep rigid control of certain aspects of my personality because, quite frankly, if I don't I'll end up in jail. In order to buffer any slips I might make, it's important that I maintain a certain level of trust with those around me.

Saturday, April 9, 2011

Psychopathic Love II

I really don't get the obsession with love. I have been called cold and heartless toward the end of relationships and I always ask the same question, "what gives you that impression?" If I smile at you, say nice things, compliment your appearance even if it's lacking, buy you gifts and bestow upon you affection, are you not being loved? I've learned over the years, the answer to my question is perverse, a complete 180 from what they tell you in health class or in movies, books or any form of media. The reason they felt unloved is because it was too easy.

Love is supposed to be painful and irrational. My apathy and lack of abuse made them feel uncared for. Had I smacked them around a bit, screamed at them in jealous rage, demanded they stop seeing their friends and families and perhaps forced myself sexually on them a few times, I would've been their knight in shining armor. But because I did none of those things, they saw me as heartless.

Now, I'm positive many psychopaths do all kinds of violent things to their lovers and that's why they're so loved. But at that point in my life relationships were more for an appearance of normalcy than anything else. I don't feel that obsession many p/s types feel towards their lovers. I could generally care less about them, and only those with the utmost docility and desire to please me could inspire anything more than a quiet derision from me. Unfortunately, in this day and age (and any other that I can think of as well) an appearance of asexuality is disturbing and ridicule inspiring.

The problem with romantic relationships is the other person wants to be around you all the time. I can't imagine even the most skilled manipulator can pretend to be human 24/7. I surely can't. I always get the feeling that all they really want, what they truly crave, is for me to snap and kill them, to individually wrap and send all their body parts to various family members so everyone can see how truly loved they are. Every relationship I've been the kind, charming suitor in, has blown up in my face. Every relationship I've been the semi-violent, possessive and controlling manipulator in, has been a ridiculous success. My question is, why the hell isn't this what's depicted on television and taught by mothers and fathers and written in songs played on the radio?

Why are ridiculous exploitive websites like LoveFraud so popular, when so many people literally beg to be abused? I'm not saying I'm not a sadist, that'd be a bold faced lie. But that pleasure doesn't come from abusing lovers, it comes from preying on strangers. I wouldn't abuse my partners if that didn't make them feel loved, if that wasn't really, deep down what they wanted. So I suppose my point is, why is the definition of love so skewed from reality? Are people living in a fantasy world? Do they even know their actions contradict their fantasies?

And as a sidenote, I realize that, unfortunately, not everyone is me. If your experience differs, simply share your story. I would never dream of involuntarily painting anyone into a box.

Friday, April 8, 2011

Love and Psychopaths

Love is a supposedly unique emotion. It is very played up in modern society. Quotes like "love conquers all" perpetuate this unrealistic fantasy people have regarding the emotion. A common question is, "do psychopaths love?" I have heard a few claim love for them is possible, and I'm sure they're right in their own way, but for me the conventional definition of love is far out of my capabilities. Love is a "profoundly tender, passionate affection for another person." 

Now, that's not to say I don't have my own version of affection. There is a definite delineation from those I dislike and those I like. The difference, is my affection is more logical. Everyone around me is ranked based on usefulness, threat level and various other factors. As soon as someone's threat level usurps their usefulness level I dispose of them without fail. It is irrational to continually attach yourself to someone who continues to prove themselves distasteful, yet, in the name of love I see that done every day.  

Love is not something I experience, but it is a tool I use on occasion to get something I want. I won't lie and pretend to be an absolute block of ice, however. I do like people/things that do what I want them to do. I also have a particular fondness for cats. But what separates my fondness from Normal's love, is the simple fact that my fondness does not make me see anything through rose colored glasses. My affection is conditional, it is logical and it is not a warm and fuzzy feeling. It's more like an acceptance that said thing, is a benefit and should for the time being, remain taken care of. Even this though, is a rare occurrence. 

Saturday, April 2, 2011

Quote of the Day: Murder

Well, I figured since I posted vaguely about serial murder, why not throw some cutesy quotes out there. Serial killers are so Showy. But really, Empaths beg for it. Their interviewers practically write a script for them. "Shock us, fill us with fear and disgust and loathing!" You'd think they were fucking.

"It wasn't as dark and scary as it sounds. I had a lot of fun...killing somebody's a funny experience."
-Robert Desalvo

"I was literally singing to myself on my way home, after the killing. The tension, the desire to kill a woman had built up in such explosive proportions that when I finally pulled the trigger, all the pressures, all the tensions, all the hatred, had just vanished, dissipated, but only for a short time."
-David Berkowitz

Serial Murder I

Well here you have it ladies and gentlemen, the topic you've all been waiting for. Because really, when your layman thinks of Psychopaths, you know he's thinking Ted Bundy, Adolf Hitler, The Night Stalker, Barack Obama... the well known members of our ranks. And it's disappointing for the everyman to find that, the majority of us stay much more under the radar than that.

Which begs the question, How is violence and Psychopathy linked? It's an interesting question, and one where the answer is more ambiguous than perhaps we'd wish. As I mentioned in my last post, there is a wide spectrum of psychopathic personalities. The most studied is the low IQ, Criminal Psychopath, and that's where Antisocial Personality Disorder falls on the chart, in the middle is your everyday sociopath who wields varying but balanced combinations of criminal tendencies and superior intellect, which usually makes him perfect for the wonderfully cutthroat world of business and other such endeavors. Finally, on the far end of the spectrum, opposite ASPD, is the Psychopath, highly intelligent, silently narcissistic, clever and self-aware. The high functioning Psychopath is fully capable of equally 'heinous' crimes as the ASPD'er, but they are more known for premeditated, tricky crimes that if found out, generally fill the media with fascinating fodder for weeks, if not decades.

The thing people don't realize however, is that as much as Neurotypicals differ, so do we. To say all Psychopaths are violent murderers would be foolish, but to say none were would of course be even more so. It's almost like a rockstar who people picture being this amazing freak all the time, until they one day meet them and find they're just as boring and mundane as everyone else, though of course some of them truly do live the lifestyle. Hence their very short, very interesting lives.

Motiveless murder is fascinating on its own. Killing someone in rage is understandable even to the emotional. But purely for some unknown pleasure, that's what truly terrifies people. To think that no matter how nice and good and pleasant they are to people, their life can still end in a horrifyingly violent and bloody way. But what is the difference between a psychopath prone to serial murder/sexual assault, and psychopaths who-aren't? My only hypothesis is Sadism, pure and simple.

When you lead a largely unemotional existence, anything that can get your heart pumping is worth its weight in gold. For some of us, the feel of blood and the scent of fear does that. So simple. Empaths can't comprehend that. Everything must have extremely elaborate explanations. Serial killers must have horrible childhoods where they themselves were constantly raped and beaten and THEIR parents raped and beat them because they themselves were raped and beaten by THEIR parents who raped and beat them because....so on. The problem with that little psychological paradox, is obviously at some point, SOMEONE started raping and beating for no other reason than they enjoyed it. I don't know why that's so hard to believe. Perhaps a second part is in order..

"I wish I could stop but I could not. I had no other thrill or happiness. "

-Dennis Nilsen

Friday, April 1, 2011

Quote of the Day: Temptation

"The only way to get rid of a temptation is to yield to it."

- Oscar Wilde

Conversation Inspires

I feel... exhilarated. I was completely in my element today.. meaning, completely full of shit.

It's nice to stretch those Deceit Muscles a bit more strenuously once in awhile, it's good for circulation. It is a satisfying experience, to pull the wool over someone's eyes. It's not always necessarily for any particularly malicious reason, either. Simply lying for the sake of lying tickles my narcissism like a wispy feather.

And it is unfortunate, my inherent narcissism. As much as the psychopathic side of me resents the weaknesses Narcissism brings, it IS probably one of the few reasons I experience any positive stimuli at all.  Having my ego stroked gives me the same kind of giddiness Normals get from snuggling kittens. I rarely indulge such frivolities though. I'm usually too busy being the misanthropic leech that I am. Any kind of positive feeling is rare for me. I'm not depressed or anything else so dramatic--just simply flat-lined. Sometimes I swear I need to check my pulse.

Not all psychopaths are emotionless- that's a common misconception. The spectrum ranges from violent, easily irritated individuals to completely apathetic, emotionless corpses walking among the living. I myself am somewhere in between. My range of emotions is small and short lived, but still there all the same. I'm not purely empty nor out of control. Just in between.

Knowledge is something I enjoy possessing. A wide variety inhabits my head, and when appropriate I like nothing less than to set it free. Of course today I'm in a bit of  a Narcy mood, but I assure you that's not always the case. I think I'm managing to irritate myself. And when you're the only thing that's important, that can start being a real problem.