Take a Peak Behind the Mask

"Success is the sole earthly judge of right and wrong."- Adolf Hitler

Sunday, October 17, 2010

I am.. Upset?

Pissed is more like it. Although I only view anger as a one dimensional tactic. She's gone. Left to some work thing and for about five minutes I admittedly felt slightly off. A bit darker in thinking than I normally am and that is odd. Five whole minutes of a genuine twinge. I am most definitely a creature of habit, change is not my first, middle or last name. Therefore it is an understandable reaction-yet still.

I'm in a poor mood. I don't particularly like it and now you're thinking 'of course you don't like it, moron'. And I respond with 'well you'd be surprised at some of the things I like'. This mood isn't on the list. It happens from time to time- occasionally I let slip my normal self denial that life is in some way meaningful or at least- should be lived through naturally to its conclusion. In reality I don't see the point. Nothing means anything and everything means nothing. I am more interested in the spurting, sluicing sound of the blood from my own carotid as I slice gleefully than the entirety of all the history of my family.

It has nothing to do with sadness and everything to do with boredom. Bored bored bored is what I am and this level of eternal boredom can make you do whacky things. Like kill your whole family but I would never do that. No, I'm much too lazy, really I don't understand the logic behind murder, why go through all the effort of subduing others when you're perfectly full of blood and skin and gore to be flung around the room carelessly yourself? I don't have to duct-tape myself to the chair- I already promised not to struggle. And as surely as I trust my right hand to act as my right hand I trust myself not to fight.

Now you're thinking, 'I am reading insanity'- and that may be true. But really is insanity anything to really flee from? We're all a bit off in our own merry ways and really shouldn't you Empaths be more accepting and the like? Can't you empathize with my psychosis? Shame shame on you if not. God only allows the most patronizing into heaven- something about being 'in his image'.  I don't know, I'm not the expert. Why else would I have hired you?

Anyway now I am here alone and am convinced I'm having some sort of ridiculously ill-timed flashback because you wouldn't believe what I just thought I saw walking through my kitchen. I'll even give you a hint- it has eight tentacles and walks on two legs. Exactly. We're on the same page, I definitely need some help and of course by 'help' I mean more booze.  I wonder what the world record is for self-stabbings? That's not a threat just honest curiousity I mean, damn. That must be one hard world record to break and if you're lucky you MIGHT get like one and a half shots at it. Now there's an Olympic sport I'd watch! They could have their metals affixed to their Urn.

1 comment:

iambutONEvoice said...

I understand the boredom and the thoughts that arise. I also don't understand the logic behind murder. It's stupid but I guess it has something to do with having power over others. Hearing them scream and squirm. People like that wouldn't want to take their own lives.
I, personally, enjoy the sight of my own blood. Maybe its unhealthy, and if people knew I'd be in a mental hospital, but I like it. I like the numbness that results from creating my own wounds. Its like a drug.
So reading this, I don't feel like I'm reading insanity. I feel like I can relate.