Being Personable

I can be a very charming person when I want to be. Engaging, articulate and caring. People see charm as a cheesy sort of thing. Corny compliments delivered with a saccharine smile. That has absolutely nothing to do with it.

Charm has nothing to do with kissing ass or sugarcoating words. It is the ability to analyze the desires of another human being, and give them exactly what they want, consciously. Psychopaths know what people want. Why? Because we listen. Instead of letting our non-existent emotional tumult distract us, we can take in the communication of others. Simple observation and an ear for detail is all the sheet music you need to play someone like a fiddle.

That's not to say it's something I do all the time. A common misconception is that psychopaths are constantly preying and manipulating. Not true. I am always aware, always observing, but manipulation serves a purpose. It's interesting how vulnerable people really are. Insecurity is an epidemic, and although that must seem wretched to the self-loving empath, as a Shadow of humanity it makes living all the more entertaining.

Affection is a beautiful thing. A little of it goes a long way. Showing desire or even simple fondness for someone fills a whole in some people they'd do anything to keep filled. That is why domestic violence exists.

I am a person that does not feign this fondness often. It is not necessary in the surroundings I have immersed myself in to appear anything more than shallow and a bit rough around the edges. The chances I have to act out to the fullest fill me with amusement and creativity. How far can I make someone go? The problem however, is the consequence of such good fun--attachment. I hate when they get too attached. Now I have someone following me around like a puppy and no amount of abuse can shake them off.

Being personable can be fun, just like any mask. The draw is not only the charisma and sheer acting it takes to pull off, but the filmy deceit of it all. But perhaps I'm just in an eccentric mood.

Quote of the Day: Civilization

"There is no rest for the humble except in despising the great, whose only thought of the people is inspired by self-interest or sadism." 
— Louis-Ferdinand Céline (Journey to the End of the Night)

An Interlude Into My Life

Sometimes I wonder at what is considered important to the masses. Of all the traits that make people differ from each other, few even register in my mind. So many frivolous things dwelt upon; gender, race, religion. I could care less.

I don't care about what a person projects to the world, I want to see their insides. I want to see what makes their heart race, what floods ice through their veins, what makes them quake in fear and jump for joy. Like a surgeon of the mind I want to dissect and probe them like no one has done before, and I want to do it quickly, flawlessly and subtly. That's all I really want to do.

It sounds strange, a bit far-fetched- and it is. To understand the motivation you'd have to experience life completely inside your mind for awhile. Imagine being an actor in a scene that never ends. What would you do to pass the time? What recreation could you have but to peer behind the eyes of your fellow actors?

Everyone has their little quirks. Some people collect buttons or figurines or pennies and the like. I collect observations. I look at a person and paint a picture over time. The juxtaposition of who a person is versus who they pretend to be can be grand or miniscule, but still interesting just the same.

Through the eyes of someone else like me I must be fascinating indeed. So contradictory, paradoxical. I have no identity and therefore just like water I am shapeless, moulded to fit my surroundings. I hate to be dramatic but it's true.

My daily interactions are a curious mixture of ad-libbing and careful fore-planning. I have periodic 'meetings' with myself where I analyze the direction of my current personality(s) and decide if changes should be made. From adolescence to now, countless drastic alterations have been made, as well as many many smaller changes.

I suppose I began doing this when I was fairly young. It was a result of the realization that human beings were linear functions. I noticed that while others appeared to be changing, one might say 'maturing', I was no different than I had been for years. It was a puzzling discovery.

There is no guidance for people like me. No relatable 'adult' figure that teaches you how to pretend to be human. That's all up to you, and it can be a difficult transition to make.

Late elementary school is when I noticed the shift normal humans start to make. They become less authentic and more main stream. Being accepted by the masses becomes more important-- not that their weren't little social groups before, but at this point it enters a whole new level. Now all the sudden it's important to be 'cool' and 'fit in' and anyone who doesn't is punished brutally through physical and psychological harassment.

This was also a huge transition for me. I had to make several decisions consciously that Normals make subconsciously. What path should I take now? What kind of 'group' would it be to my advantage to cling to? I wasn't sure.

So I dabbled. In a short period of time I tested out everything from being a 'prep' to a 'loner' and found that while I could pull anything off, it seemed more logical to choose the kind of people closest to my purest form. The less acting I'd have to deal with, the better.

Junior High was also when I experienced the most difficulty with my impulsiveness. I had always been violent, but in my formative years I lived surrounded by people like me. Guiltless, aggressive predators who could care less if I spent my free time kicking puppies or getting into fights-if anything it was encouraged. Now all the sudden I'm thrust into a structured environment with normal people who control themselves and color inside the lines and now I had to figure out a way to emulate that. I was largely unsuccessful, for a time.

And then I started 'growing' thought wise. I had always been extremely introspective but around this time is when I started utilizing that aspect of myself in a more intelligent way. I began to internalize my violent tendencies and create a stronger facade less prone to cracks.

I still struggle with my impulses but then again, I'm still young. Every year I gain more control, more awareness and insightfulness.

I know I usually write in a more upbeat, sarcastic tone but today I thought I'd share a bit more. This blog to me is like a parody of my life and how the world views sociopathy. Sharing a more grandiose, narcissistic side of myself is infinitely entertaining and that's ultimately the only thing I find important. Life is a dull blade, sharpen it anyway you can.

Quote of the Day: Insanity

See, the human mind is kind of like... a piñata.  When it breaks open, there's a lot of surprises inside.  Once you get the piñata perspective, you see that losing your mind can be a peak experience.  --Jane Wagner

A man who is "of sound mind" is one who keeps the inner madman under lock and key.  --Paul Valéry

Ding Dong the Witch Isn't Dead

Hello again.

I'm thrilled to touch base a bit after such an admittedly long hiatus. Unfortunately, life comes banging at my door more often than I'd wish. To put it plainly, I've been busy. Have I had time to post? Most definitely, but after completing piles of work I could care less about my weekly introspection.

And that is, what this is. Simply a medium for me to think through and track my thoughts over time. Currently, I am ridiculously stressed and not just a little irritated at that fact. The more irritated and impatient I get, the less effective I get at maintaining an appropriate camouflage.

I am naturally an extremely impulsive person. I act with caution and tact purely through strength of will. Everyday I get better at controlling certain tendencies, but still I'm not yet where I want to be.

It's funny because 'inside' is much more chaotic than I show. It is an interesting paradox because inside my head I am positively insane but 'outside' my head I am perfectly normal (when need be).

This brings me to another topic I'm not sure I've touched on here; alter egos (for the lack of a better term). I myself am a bit disjointed. There are two people in my head and they both think differently. One controls my thoughts and the other, my actions.

I consider myself 'the gatekeeper' as in, I connect my own 'identity' more with the person who controls my actions. The one who controls my thoughts tries to sway me one way or the other, but ultimately I decide who's argument has the most merit.

It sounds a bit crazy, talking to your own various 'alter egos' but in reality, insanity is only characterized by your actions. Having voices in your head doesn't make you crazy, following their will in a public setting leading to incarceration does.